dear john

well I just finished the movie. so I thought I'd tell a similar story bout it.

idk if I've mentioned this earlier in my blog, that Shane and I are in a rather complicated relationship.

if you've watched dear John before, we're kinda in a similar situation. just we aren't together. even though we act like one. that's why it makes the relationship complicated.

I nvr meant to have us being stuck in such situation. I've always wanted him to be my closest friend but we just somehow got attached to each other and eventually to texting each other more often and calling each other almost everyday.

I've always reckoned Savanah is a bitch in the film. but Sav just did what she was supposed to do. it is not easy for Sav to go through this alone without John. Sav nvr meant to cheat. it came by just like that.

and it hits me so hard that I always get moody whenever I deeply think about my relationship with Shane. despite we both agreed we wouldn't mind if we happen to see somebody else, but I know he's loyally waiting for me to say yes. I feel very guilty because I've been out seeing other people without telling him. (I'm not properly seeing somebody else for potential relationship). we also agreed not to tell each other if we've did all the dirty deeds behind each other. thats where I always feel uncomfortable with our relationship.

you must be asking why am I so selfish to ruin a great guy's future. but l couldn't say yes to us because we are not sure about our future. he is planning to come over to uk to further his master next year and my initial plan is to go back to Malaysia after graduating. I've just recently to plan to get a job here in the uk not because of our relationship, it's just because I like it here and wanna try my luck to get to experience even though the chances are slime.

I don't want us to be stuck in ldr right now and also the year after when we both have not been spending enough time physically together. furthermore, he could go after so many other girls that deserve all his love.

and also I've had enough bullshit after falling in and out of love with all my exes. I don't trust love as much as I used to do. tho I still get attached easily but to commit in a relationship, I'm not sure I can do it.

I never rush things. I like the pace. but the guilt never leave me. because it shouldn't have existed. our relationship shouldn't have established this way.

most of the nights I miss him. I'm so dependent on him I feel so guilty. he would give me all his time just to accompany me. but most of the time, I don't do it on return. Im trying to slow things down and I guess it is going pretty well.

but most importantly I guess, I just need to settle my feelings. I need to be less dependent. I shouldn't get attached that easily anymore.

it's almost 2 here right now. I guess I really need to sleep. nights loves. x