keeping up with my life

how to keep up with life?

actually i wonder why i stop blogging. i often blog imaginatively. i keep telling myself i should be blogging this story but i just stop / forgot to do so. 

i used to be so afraid of the future (actually still do at some point). but if you feel more grateful everyday for a roof above your head, food on your table, you're prolly one of the luckiest bunch on earth. 

i plan so far ahead for everything in life (since i over worry a lot) sometimes i feel am i overdoing it too much but then instead all these future planning made me want to work towards it. 

also sometimes, for working it day by day also make working easier compare to always setting big goals for yourself and trying to be perfectionist over everything. for example on the huge mistake i did, as of now im really worrying how to deal with the difficult customer. but now i take things one step at a time. i try to deal with it the next day (even tho it looks like i procrastinate) but the drag makes me have more collective thought, well structured script, more stories to make up, and not to be afraid of more things. come what may. if it gets really bad tomorrow, i'll just face it up to my boss. yes it impacts my kpi and image and how bad i deal with things but no point stressing it out anyway. still praying for a rainbow after storm tomorrow. 

if i were to set big goals mean i'll have to settle it by the day. it would mean i'll end up having bad relationship with this client. causing more stress on my own. maybe would even get more scolding than actually been trying it hard. 

so im at the age where i need to seriously consider if im comfortable with my life or i want to be progressive. 

comfortable means: im happy with my salary, my job, i dont need much growth as long as it just go on steadily as it currently can satisfy my lifestyle but it'd mean no further spending / splurging.

progressive means: i need to work hard to show my result and climbing up the social / career ladder to move forward for more things in life. 

being at this age means struggling in between especially in the generation of prioritising mental health. ofc my intention is more to progressive side but at times i just want things to slow down a bit (tho time doesnt wait for me). i just wish im more courageous to face my own future. 

pray for me to get things done tomorrow. 

rest well peeps x

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2024

 it's been 1.5 years since my last post (: guess no one really blogs anymore?

im so happen to just crawling through so perhaps let me leave some of my rants that's currently haunting me. 

i did a huge mistake at work last month and tho i've tried to fix it for that 2 weeks and thinking everything has been resolved but it's coming back to haunt me again. and it's not something i can avoid and i actually need to speak and resolve it asap. idk what to do so i have not read the voice msg yet as i know it's prolly gonna be nasty and i need to resolve it quick. 

tbh the agreement has already backed us up anyway but i really dont know how to deal with the situation to make it amicable. like i've to do the adulting thing. and idk why people can be so hard to deal and not reason. 

and i keep telling myself these are all the things i need to face before i could step up higher in my career. like in chinese saying "什么风浪没有见过". imagine how many of these shits all my higher ups faced before to be steadily sitting at their positions while i feel so discouraged, sad, coward trying to deal one difficult customer (even when all good is by your side). 

i need to go to sleep without feeling bad. i need to keep thinking it's for growth and not to ruin my life. 

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June 22

 Cant believe i only have the time to blog is when im ill? 

Took the very first medical leave (covid dont count) after nearly six months into the job. this dry sore throat and blocked nose that swells my palate and it was so painful i just couldnt. 

So, my company has reported their half yearly earning (which is obviously at huge lost - again) and since it's a listed company so everyone kinda saw the news and it's not like they will cut our salary but you know things like this really just dont look really good lol. 

apparently some time end of may / early june, i had a meeting with my senior manager - Lis outside and we had lunch. While we were eating she told me my colleague - Sue, has resigned. Utmost shock to me but also knowing why she wants to do that since you know company is in deep shit and since she could have better jobs outside why not. she's going back to her previous boba company like you know limitless fun cos you've boba (jokes)

and also since she's an expansion manager - where she goes out finding sites more often. Lis mentioned if im interested to take part of her role to do expansion instead of managing existing portfolio. (tbh, even tho tenancy admin is like a really niche & important role in most company but i really dont like ppl calling me an admin cos you dont know what hard work i go through behind and no i dont do filing for your bullshit - and also thinking to pursue MBA some time later but you know MBA also sound better than admin) so like ofc i gladly took the offer but she said she has to discuss it with the boss. 

so im kinda hopping this comes to me in the next 2 weeks during my confirmation. even though we on hold our expansion until year end (technically until october) but you still need someone to cover up a certain area and me being good at my job jugggling both sides (not bragging) i really wish i can do that which will help me get better position in future perhaps?

last week i met up with one of the managers in sunway where i dont really talk to him before la but ofc everyone in sunway knows each other. and before we started our business talk before Lis comes, we talked a bit. he wants to understand more what im doing. ofc i told him im managing existing portfolio instead of expansion. he was quite surprised and said im talented and shouldnt be just managing existing portfolio and should go out more often. i find it insulting in a way like "if you're just gonna do renewals, might as well just stay at sunway?" 

well of course i evaluated a lot while needing to do this job hop. they gave me >20% pay raise, jump in position which sunway would only be able to provide me in the next 2 years. (ofc sunway definitely have better staff benefits) but yea i know this would be my stepping stone to somewhere further. just dindt know my company is in deep financial shit that's halting everyone's job role. 

well you cant really say i dont learn just because jobs are in halt. it actually makes my jobs even more challenging in terms of persuasion, negotiating and finally teaching finance how to do their work it's really like ...??!!

so everyone kinda know im capable on managing all these shits (i would really say cos ppl there are just peasants and dont really want to learn & grow) hence even ppl from other dept would find that im responsible & capable at doing what im tasked and providing solutions. so i kinda know my value? but im also getting slacked because you know this job doesnt need your full attention. so i can really just get off by 5:30pm sharp and not think about it later. 

so i really hope i progress further. and after that getting better pay raise somewhere else and grow. 

and also speaking of which. i'll be starting my aerial hammock training course in september. i never intended to have this certificate for my part time job but i guess if desperate measures are needed, i guess why not. the course burned a hole in my pocket but it feels so good to be able to pay for something you truly enjoy. 

shane also pursued something else 3 weeks ago. i sincerely hope he could learn more things at his new job and wish he could grow as a person. 

and secretly tell you my mum is seeing someone else - which was totally unexpected and im really glad she is happy and have a good companion. 

half a year has gone. i didnt feel like i achieved anything but after always writing down all these, i think i have done quite some major decisions for myself really. perhaps they may seem small for others. i guess i progress nicely recently? hope the next half a year would be as exciting as i planned to. 

i have booked the gordon ramsay restaurant, my mum's bf better pay the bill. on the way planning to get the diving license - gift from shane. do full body checkup, getting new implant, scale my teeth, generally be better at my health. also trying to lose 2kgs by this year because i really want to be back to my old weight hehe. just want to make this year worthwhile after having these turmoils at work hesitating if i should shift jobs etc. 

hoping everyone could feel better x

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May 22

 long story short. 

my company is having very unstable financial positioning where for the past 2 months (until now) they're having difficulties in securing financing to pay for staff salary and also vendors. tho my pay was on time for the past 2 months but it leads me to think that how do i find security in the firm where i have to worry about this every month when from the exterior it seems like nothing for everybody. 

also with the delay of payment to my vendors, i'd need to deal with all these consequences which will add into our workload for the next few months which shouldnt have ben this way. 

i told my mum about this last month when i faced such issue and her immediate reaction is to ask me to look for other jobs. i barely settled down for 3 months (4th month soon) and im really looking forward to work for at least 1-2 years before looking for a manegerial role with other retailers. but everything seems to like falling apart because of this and for the first time im not stressing because of work load but because of the indecisiveness of my future direction due to stupid company's management. 

a lot of mundane things happened.  a lot of exciting things happened as well for the past few months. i just wish im able to skill up to hedge against my potential job loss lulz. 

will update whenever i guess. i love being able to just binge shows stress free instead of worrying about other things (tho now i do stress a little) but compared to my previous job. I really enjoy my life better now. tho most of the time i feel im so inferior compared to my peers but i believe one day i'll get there. 

xx

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2022

 2022 has been a really new beginning for me. 

well as you are all aware. ive gotten a new job which is almost 2 full months now. to also realise there are many huge management problems that have probed 5 HOD resignations and also make sense that why department is practically a new team. Really hope for a change with new people on board and now im just still quite happy with my work just frustrated at times when things cant be implemented. 

surprisingly my ex sunway associate director has introduced me to a fashion brand who is trying out to launch a new paper bag business. so the MD has called me personally and invite me out for this alleged 'interview'. i dont even know if my ex director just simply giving him name because she knows i just changed new job for 2 months or she really think im really qualified for this sales job?

brenda also been on and off ranted to me about sunway stuffs. because im supposed to meet her up during cny but we cancelled due to rising in cases. im happy we're still able to maintain the friendship and tbh despite all the hell she gave me im really she was my mentor. 

im simply blogging because i cant access wifi at home and i can only link to my pathetic hotspot. 

learning something new recently and also hope i can learn more new things. i need to get out of my comfort zone to do something future proof and to just enhance my skillset.  i hate to think that i need to do this when im only 3 years into work force because after reading the malaysian pay gap, tho i only seen one related to my field which the poor lady was so underpaid. and i read so many people need to upgrade their skills in order to get the pay they deserve i really just feel so tired of our system these days. 

i just need more money to have more fancy beverages and cakes with my friends every weekend ... 

hows everybody doing recently. i hope 2022 is a great new beginning for everybody. 

sincerely praying for the people in ukraine 

xx

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last week of dec

 i had that nostalgic sensation when i put on the leggings and the pair of black nike.

yesterday night wear for no way home.

suddenly it felt like im about to go out for my frisbee training with the autumn leaves. 

walking trail to one of the training days

also suddenly it felt like it's the start of my 10pm shift at soho.

post football night

you guys have no idea how much ive worn that black nike walking everywhere and all the indoor frisbee trainings in the UK. 

and this colour run

like yesterday when i was in the outfit, my heart just miss the UK so much. i'd give my all to go back. 

i did think deeply if i could see myself living there starting all over again. because it's quite a scary thing to do. but if chances are there why not?

i really want to settle over there. but with all the shitty skills i had i wonder if any employer would sponsor my visa haha. 

i cant describe the feeling inside of me. but i just want to get a ticket and fly back instantly. even though those were the times i felt loneliest but i was so full. i had no time to waste. ive seen and experienced most things where not everyone has gotten the chance to. 

im forever grateful for my mum for being able to let me study overseas. 

im also daydreaming on the days where i'd eventually land a job over there. it's so farfetched but it's something i really want to do. 

looking back at the photos, there were so much ups & downs when i was there. i can suddenly taste the crisp air. the chill i had for the week when i lost my heater. went out on the bad date. jumping out from the heli. getting the best dissertation award. the smell of chinese takeaway. the alcohol all over my body. i just want everything back. 

with brexit and everybody seems to be losing their jobs, how am i supposed to be over there to outshine everybody?

im not saying malaysia is not good. all my family & friends are here. when something's wrong i know who to go to, where to get it fixed, and get all my fav food. politically, both msia and UK are not doing any great either. but srsly in my heart, i just want to be in liverpool right now. 

im not sure is it because that's the place where i grew the most. the place where i found the true self. the place where i realise sky is the limit. im just suddenly having the largest withdrawal in 4 years. 

this is such a wishful thinking. but i wonder if i can make it a reality. i srsly pray for this dream to come true. 

2022 soon. 

this 2022 means very different to me. because im about to start a new job with a new team with a rather skeptical manager. 

im also gonna start as a new position with potentially people under me. i'd eventually need to take up leadership role which im really scared to go through it. 

it's the year i learnt that mental health is so important. no matter how much i love the job, i must take care of my health both mentally & physically instead of just letting people to consume within me. 

also the year i learnt not to give up so easily. i faced so many challenges & obstacles throughout the year especially in my job. and i chose to give up. i told myself many times to persevere but i just wasnt motivated to do so. and i was rather depressed for a couple of months. i didnt feel like myself. 

i also learnt that money is literally everything. i cant deny im so realistic and cold when it comes to money but it's that one thing to survive. 

im happier since i resigned. i started back my aerial yoga. i spent money like crazy (within means) and it felt so good to be gifting. and i was literally weeping because it was for so long since i bought something for myself. i start to smile brighter with all the things ive been longing to buy. 

next year is the year to go slimmer. 3kgs are enough. and then to persevere. not to give up easily. always prioritise my health. always find the solution. aim for the goals. be more optimistic. be the support i can for everybody. be more cheerful. and do all the things i've been wanting to do instead of dragging it. learn more french. study my derivatives. hopefully go for aerial teaching training. 

my 2022 is full. hope i can execute the plan.

i pray everything is great for everybody. the flood was very devastating. and i sincerely hope we're doing better for the mother earth and everything be doing better. x

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welcome to the adult world

thank lord, ive attended 2 interviews past 2 weeks. (possibly one more coming) but things got even harder than expected even when i am almost reaching my goal. 

first of all. i didnt know they'll ask me about my directorship (which obviously i have no right to join / withdraw because it's all controlled by mum and i also dont know why they ask me about it). then found my share investment (which also done by my mum). and asking bunch of questions even tho i just ask for RM100 increase from their counter offer. tho i kinda felt off after hearing their lame benefits of the company. 

the other one has yet to come back to me. 

the one who called me earlier today hopefully will get a good news soon for first round of interview.

and also from all these job hunting experiences, i have derived 2 questions:

1. am i too coward, too easy to give up?

you all have been seeing how much ive been ranting about my job. almost every other day im just at verge of breaking down. mini panic attacks and every day i just wake up in the middle of the night because i dreamt bout my job. 

then i heard pieces here and there from people about the potential new job scope and it'll be even crazier than what im doing now. that kinda made me hesitated but i need to get out of the current job? so i have been struggling to make decision recently. 

so i keep asking myself if im just so coward. i cant even complete the easy task and im now even looking for even crazier job scope. like what is running in my mind?

2. are they too harsh, utilising every single inch of the human cells?

like why are the corporate pushing the limits of every single human? why arent humans allowed for a single breather. a slice of cake. and the simplest of letting employees go home on time?

why must we achieve the unrealistic timeline just because you envision it and yet you're not paying extra for everyone's extra effort. 

so im not even sure anymore tbh. im just really tired and want a really long break. torn between crazy work load & kpi & salary & progression. why is adulting so difficult these days. my mum gave birth to me when she was my age. and i cant even keep myself composed at this age ... 

so i hope everyone is doing well. 2 more months and 2021 will be gone. hope 2022 is so much better for everybody. x

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