2021

 i hesitated between blogging or piano. since im alone today. might as well!

i missed you. 

so where to begin?

i like how 2021 gone faster than i think it'd be. because i seriously cant stand my work at times. it has reached to a very stressing point where i cant breathe at times. this is not healthy. everyday after work im just so moodless. thank lord i always still have that 2-3 hours at night to practise french on duo lingo and prolly an episode of drama. but it's not something i look forward at all. day before i went back to work after long cny weekend, i had a nightmare where a guy was choking me. i just dont want to remember this experience again.

back when i used to work in my ex comp. i had time to go home, change, dinner and drive back out for aerial yoga. come back shower and i still have some time for drama. it's crazy how the extra hour i get could get me to do so much more! and back when there wasnt such thing as MCO. i would go to mrs jones or tavern to have a drink. 

just dreading myself for another 3 quarters because after all i got in through a referral. i cant just be leaving. and im just about to get the whole e commerce experience which it could be a good profile building for my next transition.

also i made my bf list down 5 things he doesnt like about me and ways to improve our relationships during valentines day - vice versa. tbh the real reason i wanted to do this is because after living together for almost a year now - half in his house half in mine. it really feels like he is taking granted without realising it. he doesnt know why i nag him for switching off the lights, clearing things immediately, put things back in place. because he's not the one paying the bill and also prolly never care about how other users would think. simple metaphor is you always flush after using the toilet because you wouldnt want to walk into the toilet and see dunk inside. he'd always feel annoyed when i just ask him to put away this and that because he'd feel like why must he do it when he's prolly gonna use it again - same metaphor like why make the bed when you gonna sleep again. but why can he make his bed at his house but not mine? why he can automatically clears the dust at his house but not mine? he can make sure i dont use unnecessary lights at his house but not mine? that's why it's different when it's not yours. when it's not yours you dont care much about it - worst still he doesnt even pay for my house utilities even?

also another reason is he's a very family oriented man. im not against it or whatever but he always wants me to be at his family's - be it dinner or whatever. like i barely even go home to see my mum, why must i be at yours? like i also want to be with my mum more. like why isnt he standing from my point of view to see things? 

as much as we agree upon all the things. i actually dont think he'd change instantly. 

furthermore the thing i quite dislike most is his career. im not against him selling insurance. but he'd always bring up like "now mco i cant do anything" attitude and then be staying at my house gaming, youtube and tv. i just cant. like i believe there are other things you can do even when mco is dreading. i cant be letting him to just get past the year like this. he keeps mentioning he doesnt have a stable income shouldnt he be actually work something on it? like i dont want to have a relationship with someone who is not working towards the future. i dont want us to be dependent on each other financially and in this case im actually easing his financially indirectly (in terms of a safe shelter and very very near to his office) which he doesnt realise. like a lot of times i wish he could just be out of my sight for once a week so he can be his own responsible. i cant always be waiting for him to do the laundry and only put the dried laundry back after 3 days. i cannot accept people who procrastinate at even house chores - especially when he's not doing much at home. i really feel this is very inconsiderate. 

tbh if i dont see improvement for the next month, i'd actually ask him to move out. i really dont feel it's good for my personal growth when i feel like im constantly taking care of a person who doesnt help himself nor helping me. 

ok depressing things aside. 

my 2021 goals.

so you know how i signed up for CFA but actually not signing up for the exams cos this is totally out of my league LOL. so hopefully in the beginning of march i'd just causally take 1-2 hours in the weekend just to re read the chapters, studying even if im not taking exam anymore. i really feel it's a good economic knowledge and shouldnt have wasted my tuition fees. 

and be more consistently in learning french. tho it's just on free app. 

play piano more frequently. just for relaxing and makes sure my brain runs. 

yoga / work out AT LEAST twice a week. - which is on the weekend. because srsly my spine is not fully recovered which i cant really go back to aerial yoga and everyday after work i could just use some bed time. so now every weekend i try to take that 30 mins yoga, then 3 rounds tabata, then 10 mins roller foam. 

really work towards my career. i need the salary to pay for my house and spine seriously. 

i guess that's it for now. i'll just keep blogging on instagram for now. i still enjoy this place tho. but i really dont wanna have that extra laptop time. 

till next time x