I told myself to be productive earlier in the shower but i thought it's best if i could pour all my feelings out here and maybe set firm on my directions.
i havent been feeling great for the past few months because of my stressful job. it got worse this month. and i suddenly wonder how do my best friends endure 12 hours of work (due to job nature - designing & engineering) for the past 2-3 years. Some even got lower pay than mine.
It got me thinking like. Yes, maybe my job nature doesnt require me to do 12 hours of work. i do maybe 1 hour extra of OT everyday. occasionally weekend work (for a couple of hours). but why must be do all these when my contract says 9am to 6pm? and i do not get OT claims. Unless i do not meet the deadline but i do all the time.
especially come to the huge KPI of mine - leasing. i have been struggling since day 1. ofc the market sentiment has not been in my favour. yet my colleagues are still able to source all the different brands in - even if it's not a done deal. main job, you'll need to find all the new brands in the market and make the connection.
so i start to doubt my ability in this job. am i not working hard enough? am i just lacking of skills? am i just so bad that i cant improve in this?
on top of that, i was given the responsibility to handle a very important file that i'd need to focus on for the 3-4 hours when meeting is called & prepare them for next action. i am also like the team lead for a e-commerce project. i stopped recruitment long ago cos i dont have time to bother it. just the documentation of this e-commerce is taking up half a day for one merchant. i also need to take charge of the POS system integration ensuring the report is done right and making sure the 3rd party is communicating with tenant.
these are excluding all my other main roles of leasing (which like i said i havent been able to source my leads, identify & secure any meetings) and renewals (which involve a lot of meeting setting, negotiations, paperwork). apart of all the paperwork i need to achieve with minimal mistakes, i also need to raise memo digitally so the layers of management could review.
i thought when we were aided by softwares, thing would be easier. but no. boomers like to have hard copies for reference. all the sources of references have to be retrieved from different departments. you're not able to generate yourself. you'll also need to print out the long email trail so they could check that you didnt make any mistakes. i just cant explain how many things are done manually which exhausted so much of my time. i literally dont have time to breathe sometimes.
i try to convince myself. i try not to blame on the workload because if the industry nature is like this, i must be able to adapt to it and find ways to improve myself. but the more i try to fit in, the more i realise, the glass shoes dont fit me at all. i am not the cinderella they're searching for.
what if my next employer shares the same leadership style? what if this is how this industry work? maybe im just lazy? maybe it's the millennial who dont appreciate about work, etc etc
i do consider about future & money. this industry making me having second doubt about climbing up the ladder. i really dont want to give up so easily but im really unhappy working here. whenever im doing something, i kept interrupted with other things. there's no personal space, no time to absorb and i just want time to pause for a while.
my next goal for these upcoming months, i just want to find the right path for me. i wish i dont give up easily anymore if im given a brand new opportunity elsewhere. sometimes it might have been something you're chasing after but it turns out to be not suitable for you anyway. i really hope things dont turn out that way for the next thing i want to achieve.
hang in there soldier.