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eighteen. hopeless romantic. college. loves pink. sleep deprived. 

Monday, August 7, 2017

beginning of august. I hope everything gets better. I'll be back to post more. just a lot to be done before leaving.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

IT IS JUNE ALREADY? OH GOSH.


hi guys. I'll be more delighted to blog because I'll be having 3 months break soon after finals ending next Tuesday! :D

I'm just really excited right now though I just had a crappy paper this afternoon but it means 3 down and 2 more to go! (and one more assignment ._.)

anyway, I'll promise to post about my Spain and Hong Kong trip and maybe blogging about my expectations and everything.

im not gonna waste my 3 months break of course. thats why I'll be making full use of my holidays before leaving.

I've got so much to say! May has been good to me so far! just today on first of June, I had the worst paper of my life ...

stay tune guysssss :3

Friday, May 5, 2017

okay, real deal here.

got an email this morning wondering if it's a happy or sad news. apparently if we've to deal with board issues, we'll have to finish the subjects in school before we can actually practise. but just 4 more subjects left to be done with which 2 mph subjects can be done in next semester and another 2 I wonder if we can make some arrangements for that. but it's okay, we'll figure something out before we're going for our credit transfer. desperately needing to leave this college asap.

if you ask me how my life has been currently, I would answer you I'm not too sure. I've started using back all the dating apps again haha. and yup I got dates coming weekend yay. idk, I think I wouldn't call them dates but at least it's fun to know some new people around.

I just finished a hell week and another one to go before finals start end of this month. I'm just procrastinating right now because I think I really need some breaks before I'm back on track again.

just a mood for some updates. not for my travel photos haha. after all I'll need super speed internet before I can blog my travels. so yeah. I'm sorry about that again.

oh yeah speaking of which, I removed my ex and his girlfriend like last 2 weeks. I couldn't stand seeing them appearing on my feed realising what he had just done to me last month. I do not want to go to details. I wish I could've exposed but I guess I'll just let everything slide for now. after all I'm happy that I'm getting dates again haha.

I just thought everything is getting better. I thought my credit transfer is doing fine and after receiving the email I'm wondering if we would make it to the uk. things aint getting better as I thought it'd be. but I hope it'll be resolved soon.

okay. I guess I'll update again soon. see ya!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I guess it's okay to say Im craving for intimacy? 

not gonna lie that I'm pretty much jealous seeing people having fun with their one and only. because that was me too. 

perhaps I'm always being loved. and I took that for granted. it's now hitting me hard where nothing works out the way I wanted it to be. 

at least my application is accepted. got my letter offer today. I'm more than delighted actually. the dream has finally came true (at least halfway). cant wait to just have this semester to be over. hoping for better grades than previous semester. and then I'll begin something new elsewhere. 

ever since, I've been actually imagining how will my life be over there. will I even get crazier than I already am. I do sometimes doubt my actions like I can't believe I'm actually doing something that I was so against it few years back. now they don't really matter that much to me anymore. in my heart, it says, 'rules are meant to be broken'. and yup, when rules are broken, it's way more fun. 

I still get heartbreaks. when I could've avoided them. but I choose to keep breaking it. weird. because I normally don't do this kind of stuff. maybe I'm just too desperate. 

sorry about the Spain and Hong Kong posts that I promised. I'll still update them. but I'm just too busy this month. especially of what I encountered in February. and things happened in march. April I'm just wanna get over what had happened so I've been actively volunteering and filling up my free time to do music and binge watch Netflix. 

I know that I've been slowly removing myself form the social network. it all started because I wanna run away from my problem. I don't wanna see them on my feed. I get jealous I get frustrated. what Bryant said was true, why must I sacrifice myself for people I don't like. however, it has now became a habit that I don't go browse people's updates anymore. only every now and then I'll hear stories from people. because I feel I need to really live myself before I learn how to care for the others.

I can't say that I grew up in these few months but I can say that I learned a lot. I learned not to take everything so seriously. yes I broke the rules but I find my true self only when I broke them and I'm glad I did. still can't learn how to not be so attached. but at least I'm trying to do things that I've been wanting to do. at least I'm improving bit my bit. never been happier for such a change of my life. 

everything may have been changed for the better but my shattered heart will never come back in one piece again. 

do hook me up for some dates. haha. I think I'm ready for that now. 

I hope I'll be able to update bout my trips end of this month or in may. I'm just too busy with a lot of assignments and emotional break downs. I'm getting better. I'm coming back stronger.


see ya guys soon. x



Saturday, March 11, 2017

  • Dear Jay, 


    Thank you for yesterday. I was intended to just drop by for a bit and it lasted for almost a whole day. I enjoyed being together with you. I love your smell when I was cuddling you. Love how your heart beats very loudly. I felt we were bonding really well at that point. Until you popped the question to me, "what are we now?" 


    To be honest, I was actually triggered when you asked me that. That was the exact question I asked my ex. Eventually, I didn't get the answer I wanted from him. So when you popped me the question, I hesitated what kind of answers you were looking for. I wanted to tell you I really wanna be together with you but I'm afraid that you'll feel I'm having a rebound or something. I enjoy having your company but I'm afraid when I leave in September that'll put us to an end. After that you confessed that you liked me but we can't go on further because you're afraid I'm leaving. It broke my heart. 


    I held my tears back because I can't really expect anything from such a nice guy like you. I cuddled you for very long because I was afraid that's gonna be the last time we'll be able to be this close. I stared at your lips for very long while but I'm afraid to press my lips on yours because you told me we can't go on further. I kept telling myself not to cry because you definitely deserve a better girl than me. In the end, we still went for a kiss. I enjoyed every single moment of it. 


    There were some awkward times but being with you definitely lighten up my day. We went through the evening like normal. You storied me bout your college & uni life. Hosted me well in your house. I really didn't wanna go home. I don't want to miss a single moment with you.


  • Before I left, I asked "can we work things out together?" You said "sorry". It triggered me again cos that was the reply I got from my ex. I felt more hurt than disappointed tbh. Because everything would've gone well if we meet each other at a better timing. If things haven't been rough on me lately, I would've begged you to be with me. I know how pathetic it will look because I've gone through it & you'll prolly find out how clingy I'm and started to detach me or some sort. I'm that type of person who gets attached very easily. Knowing you treat me the same got me fond in you more. 

  • Despite having to worry what will happen between us when I left & such, I wish to just work it out with you. You were somehow standing firmly & I just couldn't stand any chance. It may have been just 3 weeks, but I wish you'll feel this special bond between us as long as you can. 

  • Love,
    Addy.

Friday, March 3, 2017

to be honest, idk if any of you still read my blogs. if you still do please let me know who you are. we shall share some bonds.

and I can't believe it's march now. did January and February even happened?

*inserts a picture I really wanna post but I can't. let me settle out first. maybe posting it next time d:*

okay, back to reality that a few days ago, I officially cut it off with him. I swear it wasn't easy. but it has been 4 months of holding onto something that constantly pierce through my heart, I guess it was about time to let go. I spent 15 mins crying. 2 hours of ranting to friends. another 3 mins of regretful call. 30 mins of a great night chat. another 2 hours drunk texting to him. that was my day.


all an all. I still couldn't let go of him completely. I know deep down of me, I really love him. but these few days I asked myself, do I really love him? and then I came to this picture.  
and I realised, when he says he loves me, maybe he does love me, but he does nothing showing how much he loves me.

I also realised that, I'm actually dwelled into the past. I love the old him, and not the new him anymore.


despite I was really carefree these few days. I haven't been texting him since. but then I realised I went back to the loop back in last year June when I just broke up. back in June, I started engaging myself into volunteering activities,  meeting up new friends, checking out my goal list and stuffs. yeap, I'm back into this loop again. I volunteered again in every opportunities I get, met new friends, caught up with old friends too, start checking off my list etc.

they sound really happy until a point where I realise, I've to eat dinner alone. I've been eating alone since I moved to subang so it wasn't really a great deal. last June I moved back and started living with my mother again and yet I still have to eat dinner alone. so I feel really lonely at times even when I'm back home. furthermore I just broke up and all. I'm kinda back into this cycle again dining alone & feeling empty.

if you do constantly read up my blog, you'll realise I kinda had a crush on someone immediately after my break up last year. and yeah he wasn't into me so we nvr make it (and I'm really glad I didn't cos he sucks). I also kinda fell for another guy too but same thing happened. I wander around a lot because I just can't commit into a new relationship after what had happened to me in previous break up.

and recently, I actually have been going out on dates with this friend whom I've been wanting to meet up for almost a year. I wonder why he was being so good to me. all the while I thought he was just trying to comfort me. but then I kinda feel that our bond got closer. and I'm also scare that I'm falling into this and start getting rebound.

everything is happening all over again. meeting up people right at the time I needed one and always end up with no good. I'm very confused with his gestures, and I feel that I'm slowly falling into him due to my loneliness and emptiness. and this is what I don't want it to happen.

pretty much this sums up my week. I wish for a better month ahead.


till then peeps. x


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I haven't been blogging since last year huh? And it's almost march now! time flies so fast ! 

okay so, the reason I don't post much here it's mainly due to my relationship. yup. it's not something that I can really share. I'm sorry. I just hope things get better soon. though I can't expect much, but I did not regret why I put myself into such mess. love does make a person does crazy things. to me, it's all worth it. the pain, the stress, the break downs. I know it'll come to an end some day. it may not be a good ending. however, I do trust my gut, rainbow will come after thunderstorm. 

nothing much to update about. my results are shitty as always. have not been really taking care of my health due to all the stress. I'm not dying I just hope I'm more healthier. 

im also hoping my credit transfer does work. (though part of me really wish he will goes along well with me on this). but still, it has always been my dream to study abroad so I really hope credit transfer work. 

I can't wait for this week to get over. been dealing a lot of emotional stress for the past 2 months. I'll also be handling Afs camp this Saturday. hopefully, weekend just pass by faster than usual. it's not that I'm not anticipating for the camp, it's just there's something else will also be going on and I wish it goes faster. 

yup, I went to Spain and Portugal a month ago which I wish I'll have the time to blog about it soon. so do anticipate my post (: 

and also I don't post much here because I'm trying on a new platform. it's public only if you can find it haha. I'm not disclosing to anyone yet. I started that blog since first January. and it's more of a short journal. I don't blog as detail as I do here. hopefully I get to share it out with you all soon here. 

I wish I can really really blog something meaningful. be it whatever that I came across with. but seriously whatever that happened to me for the past 4 months were something indescribable. it's not the "wow" indescribable, more of a misery indescribable. 

so I hope everyone is doing well with whatever you're doing. don't give up when you're so close to success. hold onto it when you know it's worth it. 

till then.

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