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eighteen. hopeless romantic. college. loves pink. sleep deprived. 

Thursday, November 9, 2017

just a quick update here because I really feel like typing something when I should be typing my proposal.

but I just got off from my 10 hours shift so I definitely need a rest.

and yes I jumped off a plane and I'm still in one piece don't worry. will story you bout the whole experience next time.

just recently I've been exposed to a lot of opportunities and obviously I can't take them all at once so I've huge dilemma in choosing these options.

first up, volunteering in Fiji. it will be a month expedition in the summer. Im really interested but it'll cost me like 2500 quid. my mum agreed to fund me but I wanted her to fund me something else haha (will tell you bout it later on). however my uni has programs where they fund students to do something meaningful and things that contribute to the societies. apparently 9 students successfully applied for the grant to Fiji so I'm gonna try my luck to see if my uni will grant me for my volunteering program next summer.

so since my mum is willing to fund me, if I don't go to Fiji, maybe I should really consider of getting skydiving license. it'll cost me the same. and everyone has scuba diving license but no one has a skydiving license don't they haha. but sports needs a certain commitment somehow. so I'm still hesitating a little.

and if I don't get to do both of them, I'll just ask my mum to come over the summer before my graduation so we can travel until my graduation.

and the huge dilemma is, I met up with my favourite lecturer cum my dissertation supervisor 2 days ago for my dissertation meeting. he suggested me to do masters program or even do a phd. apparently I can study phd straight without masters. I guess aside from the financial part, I'm more worried on how passionate I am about researching. because I do find that research is not really my thing. but I do enjoy attending lectures, completing some work but definitely not researching work. my lecturer, Matthew, does realise if I get a phd it's like a huge deal in Malaysia but it's pretty common in the uk. he finds that doing masters and phd are one of the best ways to expand my career path here. he's very experienced and has huge connection in facilities management industry which does interest me to go forward. I guess my mum wouldn't mind if I wanna do masters but of course I'd need to see if she's financially stable enough to let me do it. that's why I've been praying hard that she got the deal in business because I really don't wanna leave this place.

tho it has been stressful (in a good way tho) especially about the money and friendship and assignments but I'm enjoying the cultures and all the things I nvr got to do back in Malaysia. I've a lot of people (and food) that I miss back in msia but I just don't wanna go back so soon. I feel that I've so much more to learn here. I may not be shining as bright as the others furthermore I'm of a different skin colour but I do believe someone will see something in me and hopefully someday I'll unleash my potential.

that's all folks. needa call someone desperately cos I miss him. nights!


Saturday, October 28, 2017

I'm supposed to be working on my research proposal but well obviously I'm here procrastinating eating my seedless grapes.

this post will be mainly about my part time job experience but first, id still want to tell you guys about my shitty friendship issues with my flatmates.

yup, I call them flatmates now instead of friends. I guess there's no more friendship between us.

there were some incidents happened. they assumed the onion carrot bits in the sink were mine so no one cleaned it for 2 days. the girl who hated me snapped it to her story to ask somebody to be responsible to it which it obviously directed to me. I'm someone who hates both onions and carrots and they were the ones who eat onions and carrots everyday. even if it's not theirs, how hard is it to just clean that bit of scraps in the sink?

I cleaned them up because idw this stupid accusation to continue. I just hate people accused me with no evidence. I did not even complain them never washing their dishes, stuffed the whole fridge leaving no room for the others. not flushing their dunks etc. thats why I'm so pissed when they accused me when they could just help to clean them up like how I flush their fucking dunks.

I was actually wanting to make up for everything you know after all we are all living together. so anyways, I decided not to be so nice to them anymore. regarding about my work, we're allowed to pack food back home because we always have our meals early before dining hours. no matter what shift you're working you're always allowed to bring home some food. I was very reluctant to bring home the take out box because I didn't want to cause any discomfort to my flatmates seeing the takeout box and reminded them about me stealing their job (well they all think that anyways) but today I just brought home food and put the takeout box in the fridge! hope it annoys the hell out of them first thing they open the fridge.




so work.

this is where I work and this is how the takeout box looks like. 

in simpler words, working there is like diner dash. and there's 2 shifts for a day. it's either 11am - 3pm or 3pm - 11pm or you can work full day. today I got complains that I kept sending out wrong orders. I admit that I sent out a couple of wrong orders in the first 2 weeks. what were you guys expecting? It was my first time and no one guided me. of course the blame is put on me whether it is my fault or not because I'm new. im not complaining because it's just life greeting me saying "welcome to reality!"

when you started work, you're like in time trial level 9999999 of diner dash. instead of being guided what to work you're supposed to work out on your own to find out how it runs. of course I'm scared that I'll give out wrong orders, so whenever I ask them what dish is this they will be like "look at it yourself" like fuckers, how am I supposed to know as if I'm been here forever? 

my main duties basically is receive the orders from the cashier, put up to the dashboard so that people who pack the orders (you know like diner dash you've to pick the right ingredients for the chefs to cook) and pass to the chef. sometimes I'll pack the food when there's no crowd because I'm still not sure with the ingredients on different dishes so I'm not in charged of it. then when the chef has done cooking I'll need to identify which dish is this that goes to which order. cover the lid, pack them in paper bag and serve to the customer. sounds easy I swear to god it was harder than working as accounting clerk. since the chefs are cooking, so my role will have to be frying stuffs like spring rolls and chips.

meanwhile when there isn't much crowd, I'll have to run upstairs to clean the tables and tray and also pack the rubbish and put new bags on. and this happens a few times during my shift. I also have to refill sauces when they're running out. fill up plastic forks etc. so if I'm working on the night shift, an hour before my shift ends, I need to fill up the pail with hot water and detergent and bring the mop upstairs. I'll have to clean the tables, trays and rubbish first for the very last time. then sweep the floor, mop the floor and clean the toilets even the staircases. 

I enjoy cleaning because that's the only time I need not to be responsible for the wrong orders that I might make. there's also this aunty who is a real pro part timer. she's the one that complain me the most. instead of teaching me how to do stuffs she'll have to wait for me to make the mistakes and lecture me for being dumb. I don't like night shift but she only works morning shift so if I work night shift I do not have to see her bloody face.

however the rest of the crew are really nice to me. they reckon I'll make mistakes but they'll guide me. you'll be served brunch at 11am and also dinner at 4pm during the day thus you're given complimentary takeout no matter what shift you working. means you can put whatever ingredients you like into your dish and the chef will cook for you. you can help yourself with all the can of sodas and mineral water in the fridge. snacks and fruits will be served at random hours throughout the day to keep you replenish. I'd say this part time job is a good deal even tho it's rather tiring. 

maybe thats why she hates me so much. but I really don't give a fuck anymore. I used to work 3 shifts a week but slowly reduced to 2 right now since my manager hired other 2 new girls. I'm happy with that even tho with less pay but I need to put more focus on my assignments. 


I told myself to work on my dissertation after work but I'm really tired I guess I'll just rest and head to bed now. it's only 10:19pm here now. 

hope to post more about frisbee. because I'll be having halloween social with my frisbee mates. till then! xx




Saturday, October 21, 2017

I need to apologise to my soul for not being prepared to take in such mental torment. My soul needs stronger resistance.

yeah talking about my friendship with my flatmate. but yeah currently also stressing out about tmrw's tournament and upcoming due dates. will post more if I'm mentally stable to. peace out.

Friday, October 13, 2017

you read that right. I'm not kidding.

yup this will be an interesting post. please grab popcorn.

it all began when my friends Emily and Nita kept discussing about a part time job that they acquired somewhere. I was pretty surprised because all the jobs postings that I've seen around needed my CV. Online application requires my UK insurance number as well. Which I have to contact the department to ask for my insurance number and I've called up for a few times in different days and still couldn't contact to the department.

Thus out of curiosity, I asked them where are they working. They were kind enough to tell me they're working in Ichi Noodles. I further asked them is the vacancy still open. They said they're not sure. So one day after class, I told them I needed to go town to pick up something but really the first thing I went was Ichi Noodles to ask for the job. They asked me to leave down my contact details and the manager will contact me by that night itself. After dropping my details, I went on further to look for vacancies everywhere. As usuals, I jot down their contact details so that I could email them my CV.

That night itself, I did not receive the call from the manager. I thought they wouldn't want to hire any more part timers. So bad luck to me I guess. But I could email my CV to other postings.

On a Tuesday night. I went out together with Emily and a new friend Celine to attend dance society welcome talk. It is 20mins walk away from where we stay. After the welcome talk, we were hanging out at chatime before movie starts at 8. To my realisation Celine has been working quite a while in Ichi Noodles. I did not ask her further about her work because I did not get the job anyway. Who knows, when I was at chatime. I received a text msg from Ichi Noodles manager asking me if I could come for work on Thursday. Ofc I'd be glad to! He further asked me when on the week I'm available for shifts and he arranged a schedule for me. After the movie has ended, I told Emily and Celine that I got msg from the manager saying I could go for work on Thursday. I was actually quite happy that I got the job; and I'm working with my friends. However, their faces didn't look quite happy for me.

That day, was the whole boycott started. Nita, known for being the nicest girl on earth. She greets me every morning. Ask me to be careful when I walk alone etc. She's definitely the most decent girl you can find. She ignored me. She even pretended that she didn't hear me. I was thinking what had happened that she just turned 180 degree on me.

On Thursday when I started my shift, the manager guided me and stuffs. (The whole working experience I'll post it next time). It was definitely a really tough job at first. After peak lunch hours, the manager, his name is Sean, told me that actually my friends Emily and Nita were supposed to be on the shift. There were a lot of questions running in my head. Because first of all, I never mention to him that I'm friends of Emily and Nita. And I barely know Celine on Tuesday, so it was impossible for Sean to know that I'm friends with either of them. He told me that because 3 of us share the same free shifts. So there's no point for him to hire another 2 of my friends. My face was neutral but you guys didn't know how much my heart sank when I heard that.

It basically means that, I took over their jobs. They were kind enough to tell me where were they working. I applied it last and Sean decided to take me in instead. It is all so clear now why they all start to hate me.

But there were still questions running in my head. Because before Emily and Nita started working, they were confirmed employees. so why in the end, I was hired instead? The next day on my shift, I saw the duty rooster written by Sean. Emily and Nita were scheduled to work on shifts on the days that we have classes as well as on days we do not have classes. Why would they tell Sean that they can work on days that we've classes when we clearly couldn't make it? And obviously they did not show up for the shifts.

After few days of investigating. Emily and Nita have been asking to cancel the shifts last minute to attend fresher meetings when the duty rooster has been planned a week before. Sean felt that they're not serious into such obligation thus only texted me on Tuesday night if I could work on Thursday.

And also a week of god knows how much tears I cried when my friends start to distant me, I just realised it's because of this part time job. A part of me feels very bad that I should've told them I applied the job as well. A part of me feels that they should have treasured the opportunity given to them but they didn't.

Because of this, they've always been going out without me with the new friends they met. Tho I'm quite occupied with frisbee trainings and work, they do not personally invite me out anymore (out of courtesy or anything) because Nita wouldn't want me to be there anyway. I was quite down for it but on the hand, I do not have so much to keep going out anyway.

Im still cool with other people besides Nita. She does not want to talk to me at all despite living together. After a week of depression, I've decided to move on. I sent her an apology text and also told her that I'd resign if she wants her shift back but she decided to leave me on blue ticks. I'm exhausted of being depress about this. I went on living my own life alone, attend trainings, go for socials etc.

I'm indeed upset that because of the work, Ive been missing out a lot of outings with them. My relationship with them are now very distant. I felt very very bad at first but now I just can't feel anything anymore.

Friends come and go. I can't force you to still be friend with me if you don't like me at all. I'm really tired of entertaining everyone.

Nevertheless, I'm always grateful that I was given all the opportunities to be here. I also want to thank my friends who have been coping with this depression these 2 weeks. Guess it's time to look for new friends around.

I guess that's it. They're now out without me as usual. So I'm just gonna head to bed because I've a shift tmrw. hope to post soon. x

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Sorry for the promised layout change I'll do it asap. meanwhile, here's me blogging in Liverpool. 

it's almost 2nd week here now. & I'm loving here (:

what you need to know so far about me is:

I broke up with Fred. it was a very sad decision but then I just don't find us compatible in any ways. furthermore this time difference sucks. it was very hard for us to make it up to each other when I start to lose all the feelings to keep up. I do miss us every single time. but at the same time, I enjoy being alone more at this moment.

next, classes are pretty boring and I'm already piled up with dissertation, assignments & obligations.


.St George's Hall


Outside of Lime Street Station


Right outside of Debenhams 

Liverpool One.


my school's Starbucks
my class

you've to tap your ID for attendance
went for ghetto golf during induction week organised by the faculty


got bunch of free tickets
so far I've got vodka shots, mixer, cups, bottle, condoms, vouchers, pizza, coke, tee shirts, men's brief for free.

just selfie

been spending a bit way too much for 2 weeks of food, clothing and other unnecessary stuffs. am looking up for some part time jobs anyway. hopefully I'll be able to get it. because in this coming few days I really need to buckle up to finish up the tasks given, write my cv, hopefully everything sails a bit more smoothly than initially planned.

of course there's more to blog but I'm just pretty lazy atm haha. pretty much I'm just walking out everyday just so that I won't be stuck in dorm binge watching dramas.

really loving it here. just don't want it to be a huge burden for mum when she does everything to provide such opportunity for me.

will try to blog a bit more bout all the details. just need to move on from all the feelings and all the shitty stuffs I need to do.

peace out loves.



Monday, September 11, 2017

it's a sin. I'm guilty. but I'm yet to realise how fragile my promises are. how much karma I'm getting for being like this. 

will I be regretting my decision? I guess that's what I get for behaving this way.

but then there will be a new journey began this Saturday. hopefully. everything sails smoothly. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

I'm thinking too much? 

I'm always doing too much. I may look like I've a lot of friends. in the end I'm always the one that's left out. 

I guess I need to get used to being like this anyway. 

I always have to schedule my time to fit everyone but no one will every do this to me. 

oh well. time for real isolation soon. I'm so done of being like this. no one will ever stand on my perspective and think like me. 
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