why must i be there?

this has caught me weeping in the shower out of the blue. just when i thought i had let this pass...

end of last year, my bf's granddad's health deteriorated and had to undergo surgery. unfortunately this somehow kinda worsen the situation. my bf just finished his masters studies and just flew back to malaysia at that time. for that 2 months, everyone in the family was always around their granddad because days were counting down.

sadly, he went to god's embrace 2 days after chinese new year. at least everyone was around him and had the best reunion.

my bf and i was in LDR for a year when he was studying in the UK. i barely met his family twice during our relationship in 2018 - 2019. in jan, i met his family for a number of times and made a few visits in the hospitals. therefore, as my bf's partner, i am expected to be at his granddad's wake. i think everyone is kinda thinking: well yeah you gotta be there for your bf. but i just didn't wanna go. i didnt know what was in my mind but my first intuition was - i just dont want to be there.

it wasnt because it was cny, it wasnt because my mum was strongly against me attending, my heart just told me not to go. obviously my bf was very upset as first few days of the wake, everyone in the family was asking where was i. he was embarrassed that his partner wasnt there and we had a fight because of this.

i asked a couple of my friends. must i really attend. my bf was completely emotionally stable but he just wished i was there. also why is it so hard for him to tell little white lie to his family or just be completely honest that i just didnt wanna be there (but i guess he just wanna help me preserve good impressions). but our fight went bad when he talked about how his brother's gf attended the wake for 2 days even when she had nvr met their granddad before.

i wasn't upset nor embarrassed that i could have been a better gf. but i was upset that i was being compared especially to his brother's partner. as if i have done something so wrong for not attending. i cried so badly (even now when i think back what happened). just why must i be there?

i said: if you really needed me there for emotional support. you could have just asked. politely. instead of telling me you're embarrassed because family has been asking you awkward questions or because your brother's gf is even more caring. because all of these tell me im just not a great partner for not understanding your needs. for not being the best person to borrow you shoulder to cry on.

but babe, have you ever stand on my perspective? when i was 9 or 10. my paternal granddad passed away. i only got to know that because people noticed that in an obituary published on the newspaper. i didnt even know what was that. my mum hid it from me because when i was 7, my parents divorced. ofc my dad had lost the custody but we still met up rather often at that time. but it just stopped completely later. do you know how much i wanted to be at the funueral and i didnt get to go? even tho i barely had any interactions with my granddad when i was younger, i still vividly remember some fond memories i had with him.

so why? why must i be at your granddad's when i couldnt be at mine. did i had any emotional support back when i was 9? why was i forced to be there. i can be your emotional support everywhere. but why must i be there?

eventually, i still attended the wake because the day coincided his birthday. solely drove to him because it was his birthday. it was never because i wanted to be at the wake.



just when must we be part of it when we didnt want to?

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awkward 24

I was quite happy when i picked up a call from a recruiter today thinking either one of the jobs i applied got through. unfortunately it's just a job i nvr wanted it at first place.

nevertheless thinking it might be something, i texted an acquaintance and a friend for their opinions because they're in the industry - to find out it's just a cold call selling insurance in the bank lulz. you know the ones you always hang up when they call you and say "hi im calling from xxx bank do you have a minute to hear me out?"

obviously not gonna pursue it. and then acquaintance had a mini conversation with me. we were talking about jobs. because seriously fresh grad's pay in malaysia has not been increasing for the past 20 years despite all the crazy inflation. so when boomers say we cant afford a house and be financially stable because they've already formed a family when they were my age, maybe they need to do some economic research and actually understand that the world has changed.

i guess a lot of millennials didnt want to form a family at this age highly due to the financial issue. as YOLO as you can be, you cant doubt that to form a family you need a shelter, need a car and need that reserving cash to fund your babies. the acquaintance was quoting one of his seniors was telling him "you're still young, just chill". but come to think of it, my mum had me when she was my age. ofc it cant be made comparable because i sepnt 4 years in uni and she didnt. my dad managed to start his business in his early 20's while i just started a fresh grad job.

whether you disagree or not, boomers are the ones now holding back and not willing to pay more to their employees and yet we're expected to work the hardest to fight for the highest profit. just deeply sadden by how this has been changed.

despite turning 24, and yall must me thinking i am still young. i can start over everything. i would definitely go for post grad if i actually have the funds to. but then i keep evaluating my situation it is really not ideal. i just want to get out of this awkward phase faster.

i want nothing but a job with promising career advancement. and i deserve every penny i work hard for. stop exploiting fresh grads. we need to move on. stop comparing all your boomers experiences because the world has changed but you didnt.

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living in this "new normal"

to be honest, i do feel like im slowly loving the way of being unproductive at home. but as the cushion on my couch has not been out of shape so it kinda hurt my back no matter how i sit.

yes. i dont sleep in my room. it's merely a place for me to have meetings, play the piano & change lulz. yeah i have nvr used the desk since the last i studied physics there like what 7 years ago? it feels little strange yet good feeling to use the desk again some time. i just love my living room. gotta find a way to sit so that i dont hurt my back again.

anyway. im here writing because i just read a friend's blog. in this new normal, i've a friend who just lost her job out of the blue as the company ceased operation all of the sudden. another friend's company has also came out a retrenchment list and pending to run it over when MCO lifted. another best friend had just had his pay cut by 25% until further notice. another friend who has always had his pay delayed sine december, also has his pay cut by an unknown percentage and unknown timeline. and my bf has graduated at the worst timing yet that's why he couldnt get a job since . sincerely hope that everyone is coping it well. and for me, im all ready for the pay cut letter; if worst - retrenchment.

not sure if i mentioned that i would love to have a career switch to find out what i enjoy most. and also to possibly get a better pay or career advancement as i am very very insecure of the future. but seeing how some companies viewed my CV for 8 times but not even giving me the chance for that job interview just makes me feel that i am not enough for anything else. however looking at these times, doubt i'll be getting any new job interview soon. that's why im very fortunate that im still able to hold on to this job although i keep having a feeling that i'm in that retrenchment list.

if i ever get retrenched, im not like pissed over the fact that the management has to come up with this solution. my hardwork has not been acknowledged anyway. that's the main reason i wanna leave so badly just to try out something new and most importantly to find somebody who will value my effort.

thank lord that my mum still lives healthily, has a job to live by. but the thought of me still having to live off from my mum feels bad. especially she is coming up with the renovation cost for our new condo.

so in this new normal. everyone's lives have changed for the better good of the nation. just like how >98% of the people should be vaccinated to protect the leftover 2% of the ppl who may not be able to get the vaccines due to allergies or young age. but in this pandemic, we sacrificed our future, financial stability so that everyone can stay healthy.but the consequence of these sacrifices, after everyone is healthy, we cant live normal again. we dont have our jobs. living off with the remaining savings. getting more insecure with the future. and i am already having sleepless nights thinking about all these.

ok this siting position hurts me. i hope i can write better. not really sure what im writing anymore. praying every night that people live healthily. covid goes away quickly. i want back my old normal.

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