chaotic

well malaysia's politic is indeed chaotic for the past few weeks. same goes to my mind.

I went through 2 different job interviews to date but i have yet to have any news. and the job market offered now arent something i am capable of. 

so i am like evaluating myself how desperate i need to leave this company or i shall wait for the right moment. because after all, being at this challenging time, i am indeed grateful to have a job and get to pay my bills. 

however whenever i think about my salary and how much increment i would need to make my life more secure. it just scares me. and then i take one step back to look at my friends / peers who dont earn as much as i do, with less commitment, they're not exactly quite worry (they are prolly worried just never voice out) just kinda make me think should i stress out?

i just finished a series recommended by Jingyi. tale of 3 young ladies who came from small town in china and went over to beijing to start their career. it's just like us coming from all diff state going to KL to look for better career opportunities. it's just the grateful thing is my town is just like an hour drive away. seeing how some of them are so ambitious and also some people would just like to live happily with that little money they have. everyone just have different goals in life and i kinda wonder what's mine. 

after so many years. (well just 3 years since moving to KL). my vision changes every few months. looking back, im quite happy that i made them into reality - like changing of better jobs, securing my house, able to buy something for my mum, making my own decisions to important things, i cook better now etc. carol's dad asked me what do i see myself in future i honestly do not have a solid answer but i answered "to see myself in a managerial position in next 5 years". I dont think it's hard for me to achieve that as long as i keep doing what im doing and be better at it. but im not sure if im just too rush for the things im doing and got lost somehow. because looking at my pay right now, i should have at least 60% increment of pay in next 2 years instead of getting this kind of pay when i am 30. like this pay gap is not doing any justice to us living in this concrete jungle when prices increase like crazy YEARLY. and that's if i dont have any children unless i just suddenly make 6 figures every month.

i dont lack anything in life. i can still splurge occasionally with the amount i earn. but i just dont feel too great to still have my mum paying a portion of my mortgage just because she hopes i could live better in future. like with this little savings i have, i really wonder would i be able to save more because i doubt my pay will just rise substantially. speaking of investment and all kind of stuffs (i already have an expensive asset) i really dont have enough to do that tbh. seeing how my friends all can put a couple of thousands into any investment market but those are all my life savings that i cant lose out. 

maybe that's why i just suddenly feel i need to get a better job with a better pay to move on in my life. at least something im a bit more comfortable now so i dont have to worry too much in the future. 

but it's so much of a joke because we dont even know when covid will end. let alone pay raise and better jobs. 

i believe dreams are to be earned through effort. there may be some expressways for some people but you can also get there with normal route though it's challenging. just quite demotivated recently after finding all these hard truths and keep comparing myself with others even tho i already have a lot compared to most people. 

i need some time to rewind. I need to dine out tbh (perhaps next month) and just totally get myself out of this stupid bubble and live for this moment only for a couple of days. for what the future holds, i will keep fighting for it. but now i just need more motivation to feel more grateful and wish everything is smooth sailing for everybody. 

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Hoping August

 Didnt know i'll start my august post so early hahaha

just trying to do a quick blog to release some of my stress away.

i just had an hour of job interview yesterday. surprisingly i was not interfered by work at that time. (i did not apply leave to attend the interview and i was wfh). overall i gave myself 6/10 and she reminded me of a manager i did not want to work with. but we'll see how it goes.

due to the interview yesterday i expected heavy workload as i missed out an hour of work but surprisingly i actually left with nothing much to do except for leasing (again). as i need to report to my senior every wendesday (today). but god has helped for these 2 weeks  that i'd miss out the meeting as my senior has urgent thing to do. so the listing in my excel just deteriorating everyday because i cant get any calls / contacts nor securing any meeting for this lot and current tenant will be leaving in december. things are not in good shape. 

just not been in really good mood tbh. whenever there's nothing much to do, i just feel very uneasy. cos i know the company doesnt let you chill. so it'll be a lot of market research a lot of cold callings today. 

just praying for smooth journey because i want my birthday month to be just happy and worry-free. 

hope everyone is doing okay. will update more when i've free time. 

x

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July

Wow, didnt know im so consistent for posting for once a month

just fyi my mental state was not in a good shape for the entire month. mainly i was struggling with work stress especially when my boss is chasing for results & obviously i did not meet her expectations. 

i started to self doubt a lot because my seniors are able to progress but i couldnt. i keep doing the same mistakes and also still not clear with all the SOPs in place. there, i started to wonder, if this is the right job for me. 

i compared my life back in my ex company and current company. of course the role is vastly different despite doing the same job. huge salary & knowledge difference too. I did not regret for leaving my previous job to my current job in terms of personal career progress but i really cant fit into the culture and the environment. 

a few of my colleagues in different department have been saying / 'complimenting' me on the same thing - "I think you have very high EQ". at first i nvr understood what they meant, until, i was so pressured to achieve all the things in unrealistic timeline. doing jobs that's not in my job scope. doing things without guidance. being bashed on ideas. etc etc. 

i dreaded to wake up to work daily. because it meant i need to delivery results / reports / solutions which i am not able to come out with for the past 24 hours. yes exactly. whatever problems i have today, i shoud have had a solution for the next day. instead of phrasing the job as "challenging", i would really just outright and say it's "mentally abusing".

past two weeks have been rather calm. which makes me very uneasy. because it feels like im not doing anything at all. i managed to secure some meetings but to them it's never enough. the names i report daily are not up to their standard but yet i was not provided with guidance except for:

1. You should just be focusing on the 50 names you have. (which i did. all 50 names have rejected me. i cant be calling the same 50 names to tell them please trust my product because we're the best, when they already have no interest / money to buy from you.

2. I dont care how you do it but you must reach to the right contact. (which i also did. if they do not want to provide you the PIC number, i have reached out on facebook as well, what am i supposed to do?)

3. Your list is not even focused on the lot (finding fishes in the sea is already hard when most of the good fishes have been carefully handled by the managers, how am i supposed to find the right fish in the sea for my particular lot?)

i have raised all these 3 queries to help me improve on my listing / call strategies etc, but i was only provided by those 3 answers. i was really tired. 

with the numbers rising at a terrible 5 figure. even essential trade of F&B have been struggling with cash flow (even those big brands that you can think of), how do you expect the brands that i found can actually find more cash to pursue business with us?

we have no plans. our main plan is retain current tenants and recruit same tenant. we have no cash flow to do more exciting planning. so the end game is do just continue doing what we've been doing - which to me it's useless. no matter how many proposals / prospects my seniors are meeting, no one is concluding the deal. because despite the brand said "oh cool let me explore your product!" but they just end up saying nah after looking at the price or looking at their financials. 

i really do not know what to do anymore at my job. tho im still learning daily but i cant stand the mental stress anymore. further more all the jobs despite being aided by system, it's still very exhaustive as you need to key in manually. documents are also amended manually, signing by bosses & then scanning into the server etc etc. sometimes i also need to have like hours to tidy up a stupid excel which they could have done it through a good system. 

i have shared this to so many people and i want to thank everyone for hearing me out. and my ultimate goal now is to secure another job and leave. but i cant just go on and mindlessly pick a job because i have so much commitment and also with my work experience i cant just go below what im handling now. 

idk how to share this with my mum because she'll just prolly ask me to persevere through because my mum is just very bad at comforting people and is very typical saying "should be grateful with a job at this moment".

i am truly grateful i do not need to work long hours daily. (tbh i still do sometimes. before we had wfh rotation, i had to always stay with my boss in office until 7-8pm and then work through reports through weekend as instructed via groupchat). pay is still quite ok but i truly think i deserve more with the job i am doing. but it's definitely the mental stress that i need to work with these people is making me going haywire. i cried sometimes at night because i cannot put all these into words. 

ive been actively looking for jobs and depositing my resume during weekends but i find it rather ineffective as i have not gotten any calls for interviews yet. so i have been rather dull for the entire month. 

thank lord for olympics that i have full entertainment for the past week. (ofc and netflix who helped me before that), like something i can look forward to. also none of my teammates actually watch olympics so can you imagine how dull their lives are. 

it's my birthday month starting tmrw. i already told myself i'd get my brows embroiled when things are resume to normal but i think this present to myself will have to be delayed for a while. so for my bday, i wish for gifts that money cant buy, is to land on a job that could shape and groom me to a new height with good & normal environment & culture. i want to be mentally stress free. job can be challenging but not be mentally challenged by the toxic culture. job can have progress with proper guidance. job that make you happy instead. 

my heart also goes out to people who have been struggling in any forms (physically / mentally / financially) during this pandemic with our failed government. to all the medical staffs who sacrifice so much for the patients. and every good samaritans / donors who make everybody to stay afloat. i wish i could be part of you all but my mind has not been in a good condition. 

hence i wish for good health for everybody. get your vaccines. congrats to our olympic medalists. sincerely wishing things to be better for everyone. 

x

 

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