chaotic

well malaysia's politic is indeed chaotic for the past few weeks. same goes to my mind.

I went through 2 different job interviews to date but i have yet to have any news. and the job market offered now arent something i am capable of. 

so i am like evaluating myself how desperate i need to leave this company or i shall wait for the right moment. because after all, being at this challenging time, i am indeed grateful to have a job and get to pay my bills. 

however whenever i think about my salary and how much increment i would need to make my life more secure. it just scares me. and then i take one step back to look at my friends / peers who dont earn as much as i do, with less commitment, they're not exactly quite worry (they are prolly worried just never voice out) just kinda make me think should i stress out?

i just finished a series recommended by Jingyi. tale of 3 young ladies who came from small town in china and went over to beijing to start their career. it's just like us coming from all diff state going to KL to look for better career opportunities. it's just the grateful thing is my town is just like an hour drive away. seeing how some of them are so ambitious and also some people would just like to live happily with that little money they have. everyone just have different goals in life and i kinda wonder what's mine. 

after so many years. (well just 3 years since moving to KL). my vision changes every few months. looking back, im quite happy that i made them into reality - like changing of better jobs, securing my house, able to buy something for my mum, making my own decisions to important things, i cook better now etc. carol's dad asked me what do i see myself in future i honestly do not have a solid answer but i answered "to see myself in a managerial position in next 5 years". I dont think it's hard for me to achieve that as long as i keep doing what im doing and be better at it. but im not sure if im just too rush for the things im doing and got lost somehow. because looking at my pay right now, i should have at least 60% increment of pay in next 2 years instead of getting this kind of pay when i am 30. like this pay gap is not doing any justice to us living in this concrete jungle when prices increase like crazy YEARLY. and that's if i dont have any children unless i just suddenly make 6 figures every month.

i dont lack anything in life. i can still splurge occasionally with the amount i earn. but i just dont feel too great to still have my mum paying a portion of my mortgage just because she hopes i could live better in future. like with this little savings i have, i really wonder would i be able to save more because i doubt my pay will just rise substantially. speaking of investment and all kind of stuffs (i already have an expensive asset) i really dont have enough to do that tbh. seeing how my friends all can put a couple of thousands into any investment market but those are all my life savings that i cant lose out. 

maybe that's why i just suddenly feel i need to get a better job with a better pay to move on in my life. at least something im a bit more comfortable now so i dont have to worry too much in the future. 

but it's so much of a joke because we dont even know when covid will end. let alone pay raise and better jobs. 

i believe dreams are to be earned through effort. there may be some expressways for some people but you can also get there with normal route though it's challenging. just quite demotivated recently after finding all these hard truths and keep comparing myself with others even tho i already have a lot compared to most people. 

i need some time to rewind. I need to dine out tbh (perhaps next month) and just totally get myself out of this stupid bubble and live for this moment only for a couple of days. for what the future holds, i will keep fighting for it. but now i just need more motivation to feel more grateful and wish everything is smooth sailing for everybody.