last week of dec

 i had that nostalgic sensation when i put on the leggings and the pair of black nike.

yesterday night wear for no way home.

suddenly it felt like im about to go out for my frisbee training with the autumn leaves. 

walking trail to one of the training days

also suddenly it felt like it's the start of my 10pm shift at soho.

post football night

you guys have no idea how much ive worn that black nike walking everywhere and all the indoor frisbee trainings in the UK. 

and this colour run

like yesterday when i was in the outfit, my heart just miss the UK so much. i'd give my all to go back. 

i did think deeply if i could see myself living there starting all over again. because it's quite a scary thing to do. but if chances are there why not?

i really want to settle over there. but with all the shitty skills i had i wonder if any employer would sponsor my visa haha. 

i cant describe the feeling inside of me. but i just want to get a ticket and fly back instantly. even though those were the times i felt loneliest but i was so full. i had no time to waste. ive seen and experienced most things where not everyone has gotten the chance to. 

im forever grateful for my mum for being able to let me study overseas. 

im also daydreaming on the days where i'd eventually land a job over there. it's so farfetched but it's something i really want to do. 

looking back at the photos, there were so much ups & downs when i was there. i can suddenly taste the crisp air. the chill i had for the week when i lost my heater. went out on the bad date. jumping out from the heli. getting the best dissertation award. the smell of chinese takeaway. the alcohol all over my body. i just want everything back. 

with brexit and everybody seems to be losing their jobs, how am i supposed to be over there to outshine everybody?

im not saying malaysia is not good. all my family & friends are here. when something's wrong i know who to go to, where to get it fixed, and get all my fav food. politically, both msia and UK are not doing any great either. but srsly in my heart, i just want to be in liverpool right now. 

im not sure is it because that's the place where i grew the most. the place where i found the true self. the place where i realise sky is the limit. im just suddenly having the largest withdrawal in 4 years. 

this is such a wishful thinking. but i wonder if i can make it a reality. i srsly pray for this dream to come true. 

2022 soon. 

this 2022 means very different to me. because im about to start a new job with a new team with a rather skeptical manager. 

im also gonna start as a new position with potentially people under me. i'd eventually need to take up leadership role which im really scared to go through it. 

it's the year i learnt that mental health is so important. no matter how much i love the job, i must take care of my health both mentally & physically instead of just letting people to consume within me. 

also the year i learnt not to give up so easily. i faced so many challenges & obstacles throughout the year especially in my job. and i chose to give up. i told myself many times to persevere but i just wasnt motivated to do so. and i was rather depressed for a couple of months. i didnt feel like myself. 

i also learnt that money is literally everything. i cant deny im so realistic and cold when it comes to money but it's that one thing to survive. 

im happier since i resigned. i started back my aerial yoga. i spent money like crazy (within means) and it felt so good to be gifting. and i was literally weeping because it was for so long since i bought something for myself. i start to smile brighter with all the things ive been longing to buy. 

next year is the year to go slimmer. 3kgs are enough. and then to persevere. not to give up easily. always prioritise my health. always find the solution. aim for the goals. be more optimistic. be the support i can for everybody. be more cheerful. and do all the things i've been wanting to do instead of dragging it. learn more french. study my derivatives. hopefully go for aerial teaching training. 

my 2022 is full. hope i can execute the plan.

i pray everything is great for everybody. the flood was very devastating. and i sincerely hope we're doing better for the mother earth and everything be doing better. x

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welcome to the adult world

thank lord, ive attended 2 interviews past 2 weeks. (possibly one more coming) but things got even harder than expected even when i am almost reaching my goal. 

first of all. i didnt know they'll ask me about my directorship (which obviously i have no right to join / withdraw because it's all controlled by mum and i also dont know why they ask me about it). then found my share investment (which also done by my mum). and asking bunch of questions even tho i just ask for RM100 increase from their counter offer. tho i kinda felt off after hearing their lame benefits of the company. 

the other one has yet to come back to me. 

the one who called me earlier today hopefully will get a good news soon for first round of interview.

and also from all these job hunting experiences, i have derived 2 questions:

1. am i too coward, too easy to give up?

you all have been seeing how much ive been ranting about my job. almost every other day im just at verge of breaking down. mini panic attacks and every day i just wake up in the middle of the night because i dreamt bout my job. 

then i heard pieces here and there from people about the potential new job scope and it'll be even crazier than what im doing now. that kinda made me hesitated but i need to get out of the current job? so i have been struggling to make decision recently. 

so i keep asking myself if im just so coward. i cant even complete the easy task and im now even looking for even crazier job scope. like what is running in my mind?

2. are they too harsh, utilising every single inch of the human cells?

like why are the corporate pushing the limits of every single human? why arent humans allowed for a single breather. a slice of cake. and the simplest of letting employees go home on time?

why must we achieve the unrealistic timeline just because you envision it and yet you're not paying extra for everyone's extra effort. 

so im not even sure anymore tbh. im just really tired and want a really long break. torn between crazy work load & kpi & salary & progression. why is adulting so difficult these days. my mum gave birth to me when she was my age. and i cant even keep myself composed at this age ... 

so i hope everyone is doing well. 2 more months and 2021 will be gone. hope 2022 is so much better for everybody. x

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exhausted

 i know im not supposed to compare myself with everyone else but everyone around me seems to have side job so they wont fall behind if the main job fails. or they just have extra skills that could back their career up. or just with some genius investment mindset. 

and here's me with no luck finding new job nor having any skills / capital / mindset for a second job to back me up. 

most days i ask myself what else i can do to get me doing something else to earn some bucks but nothing comes to mind. not sure if im just pure lazy, unmotivated, not sure where to start etc but im definitely not so happy being so. 

following a pushy leader is hard. tho many times i asked myself not to give up so easily and i should push it through but many times it's just not enough. despite whatever compliments or acknowledgements, it's just never enough. i know there's no free lunch and i cant guarantee my new job can be any better but srsly things are not doing good at my job rn especially more and more business are falling the edge but you're expected to find people who are capable to fill the void up. im just really tired of this really. 

not looking for work tmrw but i always pray for the better for everybody. hopefully things go smoothly. 

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wake me up when september ends

 title is as cliche as it sounds but please do so.

it started off great as it was still my birthday week but then it turned bitter literally on the 1st of Sept. 

i had to reschedule my second interview which is supposed to fall on 2nd sept as there were 2 abandoned units that so happen to be my tenants (: and i have not hear back for the rescheduled date until today. 

ever since of this incident, there were so many preparation in order to keep ourselves cover for the worst situation - court cases. and also setting the precedent for other malls. MY CASE BEING THE FIRST CASE IN ALL OF 7 SUNWAY MALLS IMAGINE. even until now i am still being bugged by this case even though i dont need to draft the legal documents but like i said this is the first in all malls, whatever i start preparing, to send over, to record, will be the benchmark guidance for everybody (: 

and then i woke up on monday thinking i could slowly get through my prospect listing to be done. forgetting we have a meeting call with the abandoned tenant to settle the case. there were 6 of us against 1 tenant. took my 6 managers 2 days to draft the email. tmrw i will have to reach at 9am sharp to do the redelivery because we cant do this during mall operation hours. and doing the first ever redelivery through a video call. but they're now panicking over in the groupchat. kept asking me if i hear anything through the meeting recording. i have decided to ignore the messages. please scold me if you want to tmrw. 

please understand i had been through 3 straight hours of meeting just to sort out the rebate with you all, then sorting out the reporting, then 2 hours disucssing the business plan when i was not supposed to be involving. triggered my colleague as she leads for so many projects. slight argument there. my manager just likes to create all tiny projects but she only have 3 staffs with her. and then want a weekly update on these projects. she just kept saying "it's easy, you just have to identify". but you need so much time to do the research to identify. and not all ideas are being accepted. so how many weekly update you can have until you dont have to ban anymore? she's always requesting the impossible. it's like as if we dont have other tasks. that's why it has triggered my colleague. 

and throughout their fighting over teams meeting, my mind just went "when can i land on new job?". because despite how capable, how ideas driven, how many opportunities they could provide and share to me, but it's not the leadership style i am expecting. we all dont work on the same pace. no matter how fast you want to go, there's a limit in everybody. because even you yourself cant keep up the timeline as promised anyway.

not gonna lie despite how much i have done, i dont feel productive due to all of these. she on one side would say "times like this, maybe we shouldnt be pushing so hard on the tenants, please use a more gentle way" then on the other hand she'd be like "this tenant is rich, go get the collection and him sign back asap". im so done with this two faced, unfair thing tbh. i understand you need to use different approaches to diff tenants, but the rudeness, desperateness and not understanding. i just cannot tolerate at all. 

i just cant wait for the thursday break as my mum is coming up. booked a nice brunch place. just want to relax for the past 2 days dramas. (one more tmrw)

oh well good rest guys. sorry if my thoughts are cluttered. i really just cant handle anymore tbh,

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chaotic

well malaysia's politic is indeed chaotic for the past few weeks. same goes to my mind.

I went through 2 different job interviews to date but i have yet to have any news. and the job market offered now arent something i am capable of. 

so i am like evaluating myself how desperate i need to leave this company or i shall wait for the right moment. because after all, being at this challenging time, i am indeed grateful to have a job and get to pay my bills. 

however whenever i think about my salary and how much increment i would need to make my life more secure. it just scares me. and then i take one step back to look at my friends / peers who dont earn as much as i do, with less commitment, they're not exactly quite worry (they are prolly worried just never voice out) just kinda make me think should i stress out?

i just finished a series recommended by Jingyi. tale of 3 young ladies who came from small town in china and went over to beijing to start their career. it's just like us coming from all diff state going to KL to look for better career opportunities. it's just the grateful thing is my town is just like an hour drive away. seeing how some of them are so ambitious and also some people would just like to live happily with that little money they have. everyone just have different goals in life and i kinda wonder what's mine. 

after so many years. (well just 3 years since moving to KL). my vision changes every few months. looking back, im quite happy that i made them into reality - like changing of better jobs, securing my house, able to buy something for my mum, making my own decisions to important things, i cook better now etc. carol's dad asked me what do i see myself in future i honestly do not have a solid answer but i answered "to see myself in a managerial position in next 5 years". I dont think it's hard for me to achieve that as long as i keep doing what im doing and be better at it. but im not sure if im just too rush for the things im doing and got lost somehow. because looking at my pay right now, i should have at least 60% increment of pay in next 2 years instead of getting this kind of pay when i am 30. like this pay gap is not doing any justice to us living in this concrete jungle when prices increase like crazy YEARLY. and that's if i dont have any children unless i just suddenly make 6 figures every month.

i dont lack anything in life. i can still splurge occasionally with the amount i earn. but i just dont feel too great to still have my mum paying a portion of my mortgage just because she hopes i could live better in future. like with this little savings i have, i really wonder would i be able to save more because i doubt my pay will just rise substantially. speaking of investment and all kind of stuffs (i already have an expensive asset) i really dont have enough to do that tbh. seeing how my friends all can put a couple of thousands into any investment market but those are all my life savings that i cant lose out. 

maybe that's why i just suddenly feel i need to get a better job with a better pay to move on in my life. at least something im a bit more comfortable now so i dont have to worry too much in the future. 

but it's so much of a joke because we dont even know when covid will end. let alone pay raise and better jobs. 

i believe dreams are to be earned through effort. there may be some expressways for some people but you can also get there with normal route though it's challenging. just quite demotivated recently after finding all these hard truths and keep comparing myself with others even tho i already have a lot compared to most people. 

i need some time to rewind. I need to dine out tbh (perhaps next month) and just totally get myself out of this stupid bubble and live for this moment only for a couple of days. for what the future holds, i will keep fighting for it. but now i just need more motivation to feel more grateful and wish everything is smooth sailing for everybody. 

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Hoping August

 Didnt know i'll start my august post so early hahaha

just trying to do a quick blog to release some of my stress away.

i just had an hour of job interview yesterday. surprisingly i was not interfered by work at that time. (i did not apply leave to attend the interview and i was wfh). overall i gave myself 6/10 and she reminded me of a manager i did not want to work with. but we'll see how it goes.

due to the interview yesterday i expected heavy workload as i missed out an hour of work but surprisingly i actually left with nothing much to do except for leasing (again). as i need to report to my senior every wendesday (today). but god has helped for these 2 weeks  that i'd miss out the meeting as my senior has urgent thing to do. so the listing in my excel just deteriorating everyday because i cant get any calls / contacts nor securing any meeting for this lot and current tenant will be leaving in december. things are not in good shape. 

just not been in really good mood tbh. whenever there's nothing much to do, i just feel very uneasy. cos i know the company doesnt let you chill. so it'll be a lot of market research a lot of cold callings today. 

just praying for smooth journey because i want my birthday month to be just happy and worry-free. 

hope everyone is doing okay. will update more when i've free time. 

x

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July

Wow, didnt know im so consistent for posting for once a month

just fyi my mental state was not in a good shape for the entire month. mainly i was struggling with work stress especially when my boss is chasing for results & obviously i did not meet her expectations. 

i started to self doubt a lot because my seniors are able to progress but i couldnt. i keep doing the same mistakes and also still not clear with all the SOPs in place. there, i started to wonder, if this is the right job for me. 

i compared my life back in my ex company and current company. of course the role is vastly different despite doing the same job. huge salary & knowledge difference too. I did not regret for leaving my previous job to my current job in terms of personal career progress but i really cant fit into the culture and the environment. 

a few of my colleagues in different department have been saying / 'complimenting' me on the same thing - "I think you have very high EQ". at first i nvr understood what they meant, until, i was so pressured to achieve all the things in unrealistic timeline. doing jobs that's not in my job scope. doing things without guidance. being bashed on ideas. etc etc. 

i dreaded to wake up to work daily. because it meant i need to delivery results / reports / solutions which i am not able to come out with for the past 24 hours. yes exactly. whatever problems i have today, i shoud have had a solution for the next day. instead of phrasing the job as "challenging", i would really just outright and say it's "mentally abusing".

past two weeks have been rather calm. which makes me very uneasy. because it feels like im not doing anything at all. i managed to secure some meetings but to them it's never enough. the names i report daily are not up to their standard but yet i was not provided with guidance except for:

1. You should just be focusing on the 50 names you have. (which i did. all 50 names have rejected me. i cant be calling the same 50 names to tell them please trust my product because we're the best, when they already have no interest / money to buy from you.

2. I dont care how you do it but you must reach to the right contact. (which i also did. if they do not want to provide you the PIC number, i have reached out on facebook as well, what am i supposed to do?)

3. Your list is not even focused on the lot (finding fishes in the sea is already hard when most of the good fishes have been carefully handled by the managers, how am i supposed to find the right fish in the sea for my particular lot?)

i have raised all these 3 queries to help me improve on my listing / call strategies etc, but i was only provided by those 3 answers. i was really tired. 

with the numbers rising at a terrible 5 figure. even essential trade of F&B have been struggling with cash flow (even those big brands that you can think of), how do you expect the brands that i found can actually find more cash to pursue business with us?

we have no plans. our main plan is retain current tenants and recruit same tenant. we have no cash flow to do more exciting planning. so the end game is do just continue doing what we've been doing - which to me it's useless. no matter how many proposals / prospects my seniors are meeting, no one is concluding the deal. because despite the brand said "oh cool let me explore your product!" but they just end up saying nah after looking at the price or looking at their financials. 

i really do not know what to do anymore at my job. tho im still learning daily but i cant stand the mental stress anymore. further more all the jobs despite being aided by system, it's still very exhaustive as you need to key in manually. documents are also amended manually, signing by bosses & then scanning into the server etc etc. sometimes i also need to have like hours to tidy up a stupid excel which they could have done it through a good system. 

i have shared this to so many people and i want to thank everyone for hearing me out. and my ultimate goal now is to secure another job and leave. but i cant just go on and mindlessly pick a job because i have so much commitment and also with my work experience i cant just go below what im handling now. 

idk how to share this with my mum because she'll just prolly ask me to persevere through because my mum is just very bad at comforting people and is very typical saying "should be grateful with a job at this moment".

i am truly grateful i do not need to work long hours daily. (tbh i still do sometimes. before we had wfh rotation, i had to always stay with my boss in office until 7-8pm and then work through reports through weekend as instructed via groupchat). pay is still quite ok but i truly think i deserve more with the job i am doing. but it's definitely the mental stress that i need to work with these people is making me going haywire. i cried sometimes at night because i cannot put all these into words. 

ive been actively looking for jobs and depositing my resume during weekends but i find it rather ineffective as i have not gotten any calls for interviews yet. so i have been rather dull for the entire month. 

thank lord for olympics that i have full entertainment for the past week. (ofc and netflix who helped me before that), like something i can look forward to. also none of my teammates actually watch olympics so can you imagine how dull their lives are. 

it's my birthday month starting tmrw. i already told myself i'd get my brows embroiled when things are resume to normal but i think this present to myself will have to be delayed for a while. so for my bday, i wish for gifts that money cant buy, is to land on a job that could shape and groom me to a new height with good & normal environment & culture. i want to be mentally stress free. job can be challenging but not be mentally challenged by the toxic culture. job can have progress with proper guidance. job that make you happy instead. 

my heart also goes out to people who have been struggling in any forms (physically / mentally / financially) during this pandemic with our failed government. to all the medical staffs who sacrifice so much for the patients. and every good samaritans / donors who make everybody to stay afloat. i wish i could be part of you all but my mind has not been in a good condition. 

hence i wish for good health for everybody. get your vaccines. congrats to our olympic medalists. sincerely wishing things to be better for everyone. 

x

 

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June Sadness

 I told myself to be productive earlier in the shower but i thought it's best if i could pour all my feelings out here and maybe set firm on my directions.

i havent been feeling great for the past few months because of my stressful job. it got worse this month. and i suddenly wonder how do my best friends endure 12 hours of work (due to job nature - designing & engineering) for the past 2-3 years. Some even got lower pay than mine. 

It got me thinking like. Yes, maybe my job nature doesnt require me to do 12 hours of work. i do maybe 1 hour extra of OT everyday. occasionally weekend work (for a couple of hours). but why must be do all these when my contract says 9am to 6pm? and i do not get OT claims. Unless i do not meet the deadline but i do all the time. 

especially come to the huge KPI of mine - leasing. i have been struggling since day 1. ofc the market sentiment has not been in my favour. yet my colleagues are still able to source all the different brands in - even if it's not a done deal. main job, you'll need to find all the new brands in the market and make the connection. 

so i start to doubt my ability in this job. am i not working hard enough? am i just lacking of skills? am i just so bad that i cant improve in this?

on top of that, i was given the responsibility to handle a very important file that i'd need to focus on for the 3-4 hours when meeting is called & prepare them for next action. i am also like the team lead for a e-commerce project. i stopped recruitment long ago cos i dont have time to bother it. just the documentation of this e-commerce is taking up half a day for one merchant. i also need to take charge of the POS system integration ensuring the report is done right and making sure the 3rd party is communicating with tenant. 

these are excluding all my other main roles of leasing (which like i said i havent been able to source my leads, identify & secure any meetings) and renewals (which involve a lot of meeting setting, negotiations, paperwork). apart of all the paperwork i need to achieve with minimal mistakes, i also need to raise memo digitally so the layers of management could review. 

i thought when we were aided by softwares, thing would be easier. but no. boomers like to have hard copies for reference. all the sources of references have to be retrieved from different departments. you're not able to generate yourself. you'll also need to print out the long email trail so they could check that you didnt make any mistakes. i just cant explain how many things are done manually which exhausted so much of my time. i literally dont have time to breathe sometimes. 

i try to convince myself. i try not to blame on the workload because if the industry nature is like this, i must be able to adapt to it and find ways to improve myself. but the more i try to fit in, the more i realise, the glass shoes dont fit me at all. i am not the cinderella they're searching for.

what if my next employer shares the same leadership style? what if this is how this industry work? maybe im just lazy? maybe it's the millennial who dont appreciate about work, etc etc

i do consider about future & money. this industry making me having second doubt about climbing up the ladder. i really dont want to give up so easily but im really unhappy working here. whenever im doing something, i kept interrupted with other things. there's no personal space, no time to absorb and i just want time to pause for a while. 

my next goal for these upcoming months, i just want to find the right path for me. i wish i dont give up easily anymore if im given a brand new opportunity elsewhere. sometimes it might have been something you're chasing after but it turns out to be not suitable for you anyway. i really hope things dont turn out that way for the next thing i want to achieve. 

hang in there soldier.

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May updates

 Time does fly. i always thought the last update i had was just 2 weeks ago. 

i havent been very good. mostly due to work. i never thought my new job would make me like this. now i understand why vivian wants to leave the company so badly. anyway i just got converted into permanent effective 1st June. no more probation but no pay raise. and my increment calculation will only starts on 1st June so i gotta wait another year to see another increment or potential promotion (if possible lmao).

i love my job but i dont like my management. everyone is just pure workaholic. i wonder if they have a life outside their laptop. maybe that's the reason why they're single (omg im so bad). but i really wonder sometimes why i couldnt be at their level. do i slack too much? but why should i still be thinking about job on my free days. i only get paid peanuts.

really want to have a career change. towards sth that's more adaptable to current market demand. my current job is niche and not so easily replaced so everyone will just know where you gonna go next. that's why i wanna pursue sth different - most likely e-commerce. something that is going forward now. but im trying my best to make 1 year mark with my current company (6 months 2 weeks to go). and hopefully by then im able to move on to something bigger. 

i also took my first dose of AZ. whatever blood clot thing didnt even bother me because i feel this is the next best thing i could get if i dont want to infect my family. tho mum was quite hesitant of my decision but i still did it. since i did it at the very first batch where no one wanted the vaccines, i did. look at today everyone is trying to grab their second batch of AZ and it has ran out (not sure if totally ran out lulz). and very glad that i did it as the cases in malaysia keep recording daily new high and it doesnt show any slowing sign. really wanted a full lockdown to prevent spread (but mostly i just dont want to go to work).

this new MCO SOP has not been very friendly to my job. it has added so much burden and i have yet to recover from all those sudden hit. the sudden closure because of HIDE's list. tighten SOP. shorten hours. getting rid of high risk people etc etc which have lowered tenants confidence and i really dont know how the fuck do i source new tenants when all termination cases are happening. i havent dreamt about work for a good 2 months now but it recently came back due to the work load. 

things have not been very good to me this month. the only happy thing about this month is there were quite a good number of public holidays where i can totally recharge. but no matter how much sleep i get it was not enough. im still bugged to do work that's not at my level and non working hours. doing all sort of nonsense that the management want you to do. btw do you know i was needed to take care of the sanitisation work, and previously they also scheduled me as "standing guard" to guard the entrances so that high risks people will not check in. luckily due to new mall operation hours my duty has been removed. but tbh im not paid to be guards. 

looking at my pay, my work load, my happiness level, my mental health. it all doesnt weigh in. i understand things arent always perfect but this is too much to handle sometimes. but im always grateful that ive a job in this pandemic, even now a permanent staff, where not many people are as lucky as i do. that's also the reason why to hopefully stretch for a full year service in hope pandemic will be stable by then in order for me to source out.

i also posted about side incomes thoughts yesterday in my ig. srsly dont really know what can i do besides opening only fans (and i wonder if people would subscribe hahahaha). i just want things to get better in general. 

i havent had a great talk with my boi too as i have so many things i want to work together going forward but i just have so many things on going right now that i just didnt want to bother.

i pray for a smooth june. to peacefully end half of 2021.

happy wesak day everybody. 

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Random April Updates

I would love to change my blogger theme but I'd need to devote a whole saturday for it. So maybe next time. 

Pretty productive April so far. Bank balance is pathetic as well. I use to just record on a monthly basis and do a good projection for next month. but i review it on a weekly basis now and projected for my financial for the whole year (: it's fun to be toggling around the numbers on excel until you realise it's your future finances. (because so far it is showing negative digits).

Keep on grinding or moving elsewhere? I am not so certain yet. Only firm things i can conclude is i'll finish servicing my contract until November. 

Thought my colleague would scam 100 bucks from me because it took her more than a week to return back to me with the reason her parents have yet to bank in to her. 

Megat is more than happy to teach me trading next week. so grateful for knowing him in CFA class.

Anyway, i constantly pray that work goes smoothly. Because when the number of cases rise again, it'll heavily impact on everyone and there goes to my job. so the cases have not been getting better. i also had good 30 mins debate with carol's dad on why he should take the vaccine. ofc i didnt win. 

anyway come back to the reality where my job has been rather tough lately because of this covid. however rather i have picked up the documentation pace (still need couple of revisions). can still see some good improvement on memory. just super fast paced and i dont know how to cope sometimes. 

just really need more money to survive in this tough environment. because my chiropractic treatment is burning a hole on my pocket. but im just so lucky to be affording it (even tho it means i wont be able to save) because i have seen so many scoliosis and slip discs cases happening around me and worse still people who are not aware if they've posture problems, it'll be even tougher to fix it in the future. 

hope everyone is safe & sound. just really want to go back to normal again. 

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Can I MARCH It Out?

 let's follow up with the goals i set for myself.

CFA - nope i didnt touch a single chapter this month *cries internally*. I will do it next month i promise

Yoga - no i did not do it every weekend. but i make sure i make it up to it or similar effort. will keep on doing it. (also my back is quite fucked up. had my x ray done last friday for better chiropractic treatment. someone sponsors my treatment please my package is ending)

Piano - yes still trying to be good at my chopin & beethoven.

Duolingo - j'apprends le français régulièrement

okay whenever it comes to blog it'll always be the depressing stuffs. 

yes it's about work again. 

yes i made the same extra mistake that i shouldnt be doing again. tho it's nothing major and does not actually affect much of process. but still rookie mistake is not meant to be done again. i srsly wondering why do i keep making rookie mistakes like this. 

not only im constantly being stressed about my deals - which my prospects really do not have that much money to do it - or srsly i just have no luck with them - but sorry i just cant close the deals for you. 

aside from new deals, i have so many other things you ask me to run for you. ive to do marketing here and there. requests things from other dept and even to create new letters ???

i really cant explain to others my workload. tho i often have to OT until max 7pm (rarely 8pm) - which is so much better than my peers who all have to OT until 12am or even later (shed some tears for my bb carol and jess), but every night and weekends i need to mentally prepare for myself why my leads have gone missing, what are the further leads i can source, what are the further documentation i have yet to do that i can only do tomorrow, explaining to my bosses why did i miss out this documentation, why i cant process this doc because of system problem, why i cant proceed with this negotiation etc etc like my job is in need of so much human touch where no decision can be made on the spot and i constantly need to be in this mood all the time. so when people ask me why am i stress, all i can say i just have a lot of different SOPs to adhere to which is beyond my control and also i cant remember all of them (because i dont have a handbook for all these SOPs you're just expected to know) therefore im just always confused and lost and really just tired of all these.

i had the chance to have 3 hours brunch with shi min and bowie the other day. bowie has been my saviour for the past 2 months where i encountered serious problem on excel (she's in actuaries). and we ofc brought up about work and salaries. bowie often have to work till 8-10pm and getting same pay with shi min whose job is really just 10am-3pm. and then i actually get 1k lesser than both of them (: 

so i gave in a lot of thought about this. because i have a heavy commitment (tbh i dont see it as a commitment - maybe because my mum helped a lot as well - because i know this is something i want desperately) and i seriously dont have a lot of money to spare every month. not like i need a lot of unnecessary shits but my savings is just enough for my europe backpack trip. which is very bad. 

i came across a post about the 50/30/20 rule again where 50% should be for your commitment & necessity, 30% emergency funds + wants and 20% savings. so i roughly calculated based on my commitment.

House commitment = 21% (partial loan to mum, utilities)
Other necessities = 50% (food, petrol, insurance, mobile and % would increase if i have any card debt god knows what else i spent on)
Chiro treatment = 20% (and it's monthly instalment (': 1/3 of it used to be my gym membership) 
Savings = 9% (which is whatever left over after paying all these bills which is also my contingency funds)

ofc the post does say this 50/30/20 rule does not apply to every individual. because not everyone has constant income and also everyone's priorities are different. 

therefore im really looking out for a job that at least pay me 30% higher in if i were to stress like now. it's not worth getting stressed 24/7 for that peanut money. at the same time im also very grateful i have a job during this pandemic.

i thought i'd have a lot to talk about but just dont come up to my mind now. i guess im just tired and i need my sleep. hope things get better for you all.

please continue to pursue what you want to achieve. despite hating my job but i know i need this learning curve for my future. 2 more weeks to my 5th month. praying i can last for the next 7 months. 

if you havent already please follow my ig @drencedinsidethiswonderland where i post casual rant. 

hope i can march it out. 

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2021

 i hesitated between blogging or piano. since im alone today. might as well!

i missed you. 

so where to begin?

i like how 2021 gone faster than i think it'd be. because i seriously cant stand my work at times. it has reached to a very stressing point where i cant breathe at times. this is not healthy. everyday after work im just so moodless. thank lord i always still have that 2-3 hours at night to practise french on duo lingo and prolly an episode of drama. but it's not something i look forward at all. day before i went back to work after long cny weekend, i had a nightmare where a guy was choking me. i just dont want to remember this experience again.

back when i used to work in my ex comp. i had time to go home, change, dinner and drive back out for aerial yoga. come back shower and i still have some time for drama. it's crazy how the extra hour i get could get me to do so much more! and back when there wasnt such thing as MCO. i would go to mrs jones or tavern to have a drink. 

just dreading myself for another 3 quarters because after all i got in through a referral. i cant just be leaving. and im just about to get the whole e commerce experience which it could be a good profile building for my next transition.

also i made my bf list down 5 things he doesnt like about me and ways to improve our relationships during valentines day - vice versa. tbh the real reason i wanted to do this is because after living together for almost a year now - half in his house half in mine. it really feels like he is taking granted without realising it. he doesnt know why i nag him for switching off the lights, clearing things immediately, put things back in place. because he's not the one paying the bill and also prolly never care about how other users would think. simple metaphor is you always flush after using the toilet because you wouldnt want to walk into the toilet and see dunk inside. he'd always feel annoyed when i just ask him to put away this and that because he'd feel like why must he do it when he's prolly gonna use it again - same metaphor like why make the bed when you gonna sleep again. but why can he make his bed at his house but not mine? why he can automatically clears the dust at his house but not mine? he can make sure i dont use unnecessary lights at his house but not mine? that's why it's different when it's not yours. when it's not yours you dont care much about it - worst still he doesnt even pay for my house utilities even?

also another reason is he's a very family oriented man. im not against it or whatever but he always wants me to be at his family's - be it dinner or whatever. like i barely even go home to see my mum, why must i be at yours? like i also want to be with my mum more. like why isnt he standing from my point of view to see things? 

as much as we agree upon all the things. i actually dont think he'd change instantly. 

furthermore the thing i quite dislike most is his career. im not against him selling insurance. but he'd always bring up like "now mco i cant do anything" attitude and then be staying at my house gaming, youtube and tv. i just cant. like i believe there are other things you can do even when mco is dreading. i cant be letting him to just get past the year like this. he keeps mentioning he doesnt have a stable income shouldnt he be actually work something on it? like i dont want to have a relationship with someone who is not working towards the future. i dont want us to be dependent on each other financially and in this case im actually easing his financially indirectly (in terms of a safe shelter and very very near to his office) which he doesnt realise. like a lot of times i wish he could just be out of my sight for once a week so he can be his own responsible. i cant always be waiting for him to do the laundry and only put the dried laundry back after 3 days. i cannot accept people who procrastinate at even house chores - especially when he's not doing much at home. i really feel this is very inconsiderate. 

tbh if i dont see improvement for the next month, i'd actually ask him to move out. i really dont feel it's good for my personal growth when i feel like im constantly taking care of a person who doesnt help himself nor helping me. 

ok depressing things aside. 

my 2021 goals.

so you know how i signed up for CFA but actually not signing up for the exams cos this is totally out of my league LOL. so hopefully in the beginning of march i'd just causally take 1-2 hours in the weekend just to re read the chapters, studying even if im not taking exam anymore. i really feel it's a good economic knowledge and shouldnt have wasted my tuition fees. 

and be more consistently in learning french. tho it's just on free app. 

play piano more frequently. just for relaxing and makes sure my brain runs. 

yoga / work out AT LEAST twice a week. - which is on the weekend. because srsly my spine is not fully recovered which i cant really go back to aerial yoga and everyday after work i could just use some bed time. so now every weekend i try to take that 30 mins yoga, then 3 rounds tabata, then 10 mins roller foam. 

really work towards my career. i need the salary to pay for my house and spine seriously. 

i guess that's it for now. i'll just keep blogging on instagram for now. i still enjoy this place tho. but i really dont wanna have that extra laptop time. 

till next time x

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