why must i be there?

this has caught me weeping in the shower out of the blue. just when i thought i had let this pass...

end of last year, my bf's granddad's health deteriorated and had to undergo surgery. unfortunately this somehow kinda worsen the situation. my bf just finished his masters studies and just flew back to malaysia at that time. for that 2 months, everyone in the family was always around their granddad because days were counting down.

sadly, he went to god's embrace 2 days after chinese new year. at least everyone was around him and had the best reunion.

my bf and i was in LDR for a year when he was studying in the UK. i barely met his family twice during our relationship in 2018 - 2019. in jan, i met his family for a number of times and made a few visits in the hospitals. therefore, as my bf's partner, i am expected to be at his granddad's wake. i think everyone is kinda thinking: well yeah you gotta be there for your bf. but i just didn't wanna go. i didnt know what was in my mind but my first intuition was - i just dont want to be there.

it wasnt because it was cny, it wasnt because my mum was strongly against me attending, my heart just told me not to go. obviously my bf was very upset as first few days of the wake, everyone in the family was asking where was i. he was embarrassed that his partner wasnt there and we had a fight because of this.

i asked a couple of my friends. must i really attend. my bf was completely emotionally stable but he just wished i was there. also why is it so hard for him to tell little white lie to his family or just be completely honest that i just didnt wanna be there (but i guess he just wanna help me preserve good impressions). but our fight went bad when he talked about how his brother's gf attended the wake for 2 days even when she had nvr met their granddad before.

i wasn't upset nor embarrassed that i could have been a better gf. but i was upset that i was being compared especially to his brother's partner. as if i have done something so wrong for not attending. i cried so badly (even now when i think back what happened). just why must i be there?

i said: if you really needed me there for emotional support. you could have just asked. politely. instead of telling me you're embarrassed because family has been asking you awkward questions or because your brother's gf is even more caring. because all of these tell me im just not a great partner for not understanding your needs. for not being the best person to borrow you shoulder to cry on.

but babe, have you ever stand on my perspective? when i was 9 or 10. my paternal granddad passed away. i only got to know that because people noticed that in an obituary published on the newspaper. i didnt even know what was that. my mum hid it from me because when i was 7, my parents divorced. ofc my dad had lost the custody but we still met up rather often at that time. but it just stopped completely later. do you know how much i wanted to be at the funueral and i didnt get to go? even tho i barely had any interactions with my granddad when i was younger, i still vividly remember some fond memories i had with him.

so why? why must i be at your granddad's when i couldnt be at mine. did i had any emotional support back when i was 9? why was i forced to be there. i can be your emotional support everywhere. but why must i be there?

eventually, i still attended the wake because the day coincided his birthday. solely drove to him because it was his birthday. it was never because i wanted to be at the wake.



just when must we be part of it when we didnt want to?